Wednesday, 15 May 2013

Free Sex Comedy; You may be very Surprised.

This story is the shortest from my e-book; 'A Comedy Threesome of Erotic Stories.' These stories are meant to lean far more towards comedy than erotica. Erotica has to be used in the title, simply due to the adult content. It seems to be the type of comedy that people either love or hate, I do hope a few lovers discover it. 

You Don’t Know Half Of It. Free Version.

The first Saturday of each month is a very special day for Randolph and Henrietta. Even 40 years of marriage has not dulled their excitement for this day. They wait in anticipation of the postman’s delivery, cuddling and smiling at each almost childlike. Footsteps can be heard approaching the front door, suddenly there is a clunk and an envelope lands on the appropriately named welcome mat.

“You open it.”Randolph insists.

Henrietta carefully removes the contents from its packaging and after a short study yells out. “You fucking beauty, it’s exactly what we wanted, Randy (as she calls him affectionately) it’s the one that shows multiple anal orgasms.”

While gripping her waist he ogles the D.V.D. cover as she reads out the three new film titles to be added to their growing collection. “Sluts Love Orgies-Anal Orgasmic-Double Penetration”. Randy gropes Hornyetta (as he calls her in private) firmly on her ass and the drooling begins, they will be having lots of very hot sex while watching these blue movies.

“I can’t wait any longer, I could hammer nails in with this, let’s get down to it.” Randy says.

His wife, with a smile suggesting pure filth, agrees and heads for the D.V.D. player with disc in hand. Randy ensures total privacy by closing the curtains, and the unmistakeable sound of porn film music is heard. They hastily strip each other while groping all private parts. A jumbo size jar of sweet smelling lube is produced and opened.

 “We’ve used more than half of this already, don’t forget to order some more, we don’t want to run out.” Hornyeyetta says and giggles.

Randy’s initial purchase of lube occurred when a drunken stag night somehow took him into a sex shop for the first time. Despite his age he was very naive at the time, and had been prompted into buying it by much younger colleagues, who assured him that it was ladies bathing oil.

“A perfect gift for your wife.” They had said. Little did they know, it would turn out to be the best prank ever played on him, and that was how many empty jars ago?

They both take a liberal amount and Randy pushes his handful between her legs, which are readily open in anticipation. He works it well into her pussy and fingers an ample amount of it up into her ass; they are very keen to progressively advance their anal skills. Hornyetta’s hands are not idle either, he enjoys the feeling of his cock and balls being manipulated by her lube filled fingers and palms. Such foreplay is ideal foreplay for the pair of them, and the blue movie action is about to begin in earnest.

Randolph and Henrietta have always adored sex, albeit only ever with each other. Both are very aware that, during long time relationships, one or the other usually loses the urge. Fortunately for these grandparents, their sex drive has remained almost as high as when they were teenagers. It had become a little dull a few years earlier, but then they discovered mail order porn. With no embarrassing shops to enter they built their own little private pleasure collection, and now they are enjoying married sex to the full. Their library of films is quite extensive; it has introduced them to topics and positions that they would never have dreamed of.

With their new found knowledge they like nothing better than imitating what the actors do move for move. The couple look upon the postman’s monthly delivery as a further education course, the phrase, ‘You learn something new everyday,’ are often spoken a few minutes into a freshly delivered film. However, both had often ruefully agreed, ‘If only we had known about such things many years earlier, we could have been famous porn stars now.’

“They always start with a blow job.”

 Hornyetta says kneeling down to meet the rock hard cock that her mouth knows, and still loves so much. Randy savours the moment with smiles and thinks how lucky he is to have a wife with an appetite like hers. He reaches down and fondles her stiff nippled breasts while she begins to lick his balls and remarks.

 “Thank goodness I learned how to deep throat.”

“Yes, Tonsil Scrapers was a very good film.” Randy moans.

Following the actors move for move, Randy spreads Hornyetta out on the rug and climbs between her legs. He gently inserts her favourite dildo toy into her ass, and then pushes his rock hard member deep inside her soaking pussy. She is still only a novice at anal, but by taking a little more each time they are hoping her ass will soon be as cock efficient as her pussy. Their ultimate aim and prize is to have a hard double penetration session, with Randy entering via anal and a special extra thick toy stuck up her pussy. They are harmonizing the actors fucking speed, matching them stroke for stroke, thrust for thrust, when darn it, at the worst possible time the fucking phone starts ringing.

“Leave it; it won’t be important, well not as important as this.” She says ramming her well lubed pussy up to meet his balls.

The scene of the film changes and they follow by moving into the sixty nine position. If their mouths were not busy both would be showing smiles that said-“I am very, very happy.” The oral continues for quite some heavenly time before Randy finds himself fucking mans best friend, --“The Pussy,”--- doggy style, panting just like one as he ploughs faster and faster into Hornyetta. Suddenly, some really cruel luck strikes; they can hear a car arriving on the pebbled drive at the front of the house. Unfortunately ,the car has arrived at exactly the same time as Randy’s orgasm, as he jumps to his feet his cock has become uncontrollable, and now it’s freely shooting large amounts of fresh hot sperm all over the carpet.

A voice is heard from outside. “Hello Mr’s Patterson.” It’s their daughter, she is shouting across to the next door neighbour.

Panic stricken, Henrietta whispers.” Quickly, she has a key, turn the D.V.D. off and get upstairs, you’re naked.”

“I’m naked? So are you.” Randy says with his cock still stuck out like a pirates plank.

Luckily their daughter becomes involved in a short conversation and explains to the neighbour. “I phoned earlier, but there was no answer, so I am just checking that all is well.”

Randy races out of the living room door and bangs his erect cock on the way. “Ouch you fucker.” He mumbles as he scrambles up the stairs.

Meanwhile, his wife quickly puts on a thick woollen jumper and covers her naked bottom half with a thick woollen blanket, both presents from her daughter to keep out winter chills, before taking a chair. The lock turns, and her daughter Jenny enters with her own daughter Susie.

“Mam, Grandma.” They shout in unison. “Are you alright?”

“Of course.” She replies. “You are early; it’s Saturday, you usually come late afternoon.”

Her daughter goes on to explain that there’s a kid’s party that afternoon, so they could not come as per normal. Jenny then asks a tirade of questions. “Where’s Dad, why are clothes scattered all over the place, why is she sitting there without the T.V. on?”

Suddenly Susie makes a disgusting sound of Uuugghhh. “Grandma-there’s something very sticky on your carpet-I can feel it through my shoes.” Regardless of the discovery, she continues prodding her shoe further into the sticky area.

Jenny then says. “It’s the same over here, it’s all over the carpet, what is it?”

“Oh don’t worry you two; it’s just something your dad did.” She replies sheepishly.

Her daughter continues to stare at the damp patches with a very puzzled look.

Thinking quickly she explains. “He was pouring my medicine last night and stumbled, quite a bit spilled from the container, it’s only cough mixture, but it’s very gooey.”

“Would it be possible to drink your liquid straight from the container? It would prevent spillage.”Her daughter suggests.

With a smile, her mother replies. “Believe me, from now on I intend to do just that just as often as I can.”

Coming downstairs after briefly visiting her Grandpa Susie says. “Grandpa sure is sweating, has he got a temperature?”

“No, No.” She answers assuredly. “He did a bit of early morning exercise, limbering up, flexing his muscles like he often does, and then decided to have a short nap. Anyway I hope you have a great time at the party this afternoon honey.”

“I will go up and see dad for a few minutes.” Jenny says.

Seeing her grandmother with such a cheerful face makes Susie so happy that she suddenly leaps onto her lap and hugs her around the neck. It causes Henrietta to jump and fall to the back of the chair letting out a loud “Oooohh, aagghhh, ooohhh.” The noise startles young Susie who promptly jumps back down from her knee.

In the chaos caused by her daughter’s sudden arrival she did not have time to take the dildo out of her ass. So, after months of patiently using the inch by inch method, she has become a fully fledged member of the anal club in one fell swoop. It is now firmly entrenched deep inside her ass hole; her jaw drops and her face becomes cherry red. She is unable to retrieve it, and can not help shouting out many more “Oooohhs” and quite a few extra “Aaggghhhs.”

So much so that her daughter Jenny comes hurtling down the stairs. “Mom what the hell is up?”

Slowly gathering her composure she assures her shocked visitors. “Don’t worry, it’s only trapped wind; it’s just that I’ve never had it with such force before.”

“Oh poor Mam, that must be a right pain in the ass, it’s lucky we came over when we did.”

Her daughter then proceeds to tidy away the clothes-wash the sticky medicine from the carpet, and find a nice program on T.V; it’s all about home craft, and she feels sure that her mother will enjoy it.

“We have to go now mum, but I’ll return later after I drop Susie off at the party.”

“Yes you run along, believe me, your dad and I will be just fine.”

As they are getting in the car Susie says to her mum. “I feel so sorry for them, poor Grandma alone downstairs needing to wear those big woollen clothes to keep warm. Then there’s Grandpa with a hot chill upstairs.” They hear the car leave and all is silent for a few moments.

“Quick, put that fucking film back on.” Randy orders arriving back downstairs with his cock stood to attention.

When Hornyetta bends down to restart the D.V.D. Randy can not resist taking charge of the script. Seeing the dildo firmly entrenched in her ass, he decides double penetration time has arrived, so he rams his cock deep into her pussy.

In gasping breaths Hornyetta says. “I want you to shot your cum, up my pussy, over my tits, down my throat, cover my face in it; or even cum in my hair, but don’t ever shoot it on the fucking carpet again.”

So next time you visit elderly people, ask yourself, ‘Why is she wearing that blanket over her bottom half? Why is her husband in bed at this time of day? Finally, don’t stay too long, there just may be an aching pussy and cock needing to be sorted out. 

A Comedy Threesome of Erotic Stories. Can be found on Amazon. 

Wednesday, 8 May 2013

Sex for Chocolate? (So Sweet)

  Considered the sweetest, can Chocolate replace a sexual appetite? Whether sex be a hourly, daily, weekly, monthly or even yearly craving, does filling the mouth with a Mars bar or Cadburys flake remove its pangs? Scientists, who experiment everywhere, but probably never in the bedroom, have produced some interesting facts.
Chocolate-contains Phenyl-ethylamine, (quite a mouthful), and this chemical is released into the brain whenever things become frisky or romantic. To avoid a chemistry lesson, I will simply say that its snowball effect can lead to a most satisfying orgasm. However, before these sexual highs can flood a person’s body, they need a catalyst to shoot them out. Chocolate, is that very catalyst. Experts say that Chocolate Fingers opening Chocolate Buttons before helping themselves to Double Deckers is foreplay at its most erotic.

All of this brings me back to the original question: Is Chocolate capable of feeding a sexual appetite? There is a reason I ask, returning home one evening last week, I discovered my girlfriend curled up on the rug dressed only in underwear.

“You won’t believe how Black Magic can satisfy me,” she moaned.

She was acting extremely strange, and when I opened the wardrobe I discovered her secret. Whips, Cadburys Walnut Whips to be precise, but not only that, a Turkish Delight was laying across her Fudge. Being open minded, I felt there must be something in what these Scientists are saying, yet there is a ‘but’ coming. A substitute is meant to replace something of a similar ilk. Now, I can state quite honestly, we have NEVER had that amount of sex.

No longer too tired, her mouth devours her new love all night long. And talk about double penetration! With a Flake in one side and a Curly Wurly in the other, I had no idea she could use her mouth with such passion. So, just as a Scientist would, I will finish with a conclusion.
 If you suspect your partner is having an affair, pray it's not with Chocolate. Whereas a fling with a human may only be brief, I conclude that Chocolate is to love, honour and obey.

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