Tuesday 23 April 2013

Unsociable People. (Public Transport)

I have just arrived back home from Crown Court. They liked me so much they they have asked me to return to receive a sentence. It must be one of those writer things.

Anyway, the reason I was invited to Crown Court was down to an extremely unsociable young lady. Heading into town on the bus, I  had found myself standing and holding onto a support bar, directly next to where the said young lady was seated. Now, I had no qualms about standing, sometimes, there is no alternative. However, on this particular journey, whenever the bus turned, which was quite often, motion took me forward. This outcome resulted in my crotch, accidentally, pushing into her face.

After it occurred six or seven times, there was a misunderstanding, which resulted in her pressing the bell and demanding the driver call the police. Due to her unsociable attitude, she claimed I had sexually harassed her. The police duly arrived, and to my astonishment, they took her side, arrested me and suggested I call a lawyer. I contacted a law firm who specialize in such incidents. After I provided a detailed description of the misunderstanding, my defence counsel had every sympathy. In fact, his very words were. "You would have gotten away with it if there had not been fifteen empty seats."

Sunday 7 April 2013

Organ Donors: The Priceless Crew.

Most people pass by hospitals without giving them a second thought; unless of course, your life is currently connected to one. Nowadays, large town and city hospitals are huge communities, almost towns in their own right. Very few will go through life without becoming a part of such a community. This is a little peek inside.

What would we do without You?

Inside a hospital theatre a doctor is furiously pumping a patient’s heart as the matron anxiously looks on. Eventually the doctor stops and shakes his head.

“I’m afraid that’s it; we can’t do anymore. “

Matron appears to be shocked and surprised. “But doctor, don’t you think you should try the resuscitation a while longer, and give him an I.C.I. injection?”

The doctor seems very reluctant. “Yes I agree, but it’s the nurse’s staff party tonight and I have so been looking forward to it.

Matron is totally aghast.”The nurses can manage very well without you, but this patient can’t and needs you.”

The doctor sighs. “You don't understand; it's the only night of the year that I can see nurses out of their uniforms. They will be dressed as civilians, wearing ordinary clothes; do you know what that does to a red blooded medic?”

Matron’s face is about to explode when a nurse rushes in.

“I have the patients papers here doctor.”

While reading them his expression becomes one of total horror. “Oh my God! Quickly matron, prepare the I.C.I. injection, nurse don’t you dare go anywhere, you are needed here.”

Matron is happily amazed by his sudden change of attitude. “I’m so glad you have finally come to your senses doctor.”

Doctor resumes pumping; he appears determined to start the patient’s heart, not looking up when he says. “I have just read his notes; he’s an Organ donor. If he dies I can kiss the party goodbye; I will be here all night carefully removing them.”

Matron is once again left speechless; then much to their relief, the patient begins to cough and splutter.

Suddenly a voice bellows; “Cue the slogan.”

The camera zooms in on a slogan. “ORGAN DONORS-WE ARE fucked WITHOUT YOU.”

Tuesday 2 April 2013

Who Can You Trust?

Can sex cause people to say and do things that are completely out of character? The following, which had to contain under 200 words, is a small example of what I mean.

The door swung open; his sister had returned. “Its confirmed John, they booked the flight over a week ago, such bastards."

“I’m glad they've gone far away sis; what could we say to them?”

“What sort of bastards are you for starters.”

“I don’t feel any anger, just a numbness.”

“I have anger, lots and lots of it."

“Keeping her company while I worked late; I thought he was doing me a favour; I thought I was putting him out. I was so naive.”

“Such a fucking mess John, what a scheming bitch.”

“I should have known it was too good to be true; why would a girl like her want me?”

“What! She is not fit to crawl in your shit; she doesn’t deserve to be on the same planet as you.” 

“Not so loud sis, mum will hear.”

“The doctor gave her a sedative; he said she will sleep for a while.”

“I worshipped her; could I  have done something different?”

“John! Don’t you dare feel any guilt; everything took place behind your back.”

“What was it dad used to say: ‘Always expect the unexpected.’ 

“He often said that; I just wish he was here now; and not on an aeroplane with your fucking girlfriend”.

                                Big Ben.                                  There is always that exceptionally well hung individual in the sho...