Showing posts with label Comedy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Comedy. Show all posts

Monday 15 December 2014

Winning the Lottery is such a Burden

Lottery Hell

When I won the lottery I thought all my problems were solved. I'd no idea of the mental stress that came with £12m. Lottery advisors suggested I should enjoy, but not waste my fortune. Problems started only a few days later when I was forced to make an agonising decision.

Having won a vast amount on the Saturday lottery draw, Wednesday was here in the blink of an eye. There had been no time to consider the the pros and cons of continuing to play it and I panicked. With my mind confused, it was impossible to make a balanced choice. Bewildered, I took a huge gamble and decided to play. The moment the numbers had been called I regretted it-what a disaster-never won a single penny.

If only that had been the end of it, that same indecision has continued for almost three months now. Twice a week my thoughts are in turmoil. I was able to calm down a little when I won a further £10, but overall, I'm well over £20 down since my huge win. Some people have won the lottery twice, but I doubt I'm lucky enough to join their ranks. My sensible side is telling me to stop playing, and I should listen, but my reckless side always has the last word and my fortune is slowly frittering away.

And that's not my only nightmare, I now have to worry about the crisis that Christmas will bring. In the past, I never once bought a round of drinks for my friends; if I break that habit they may feel I'm flaunting my money in their face. It's the same predicament with the window cleaner, milkman, refuse collectors and paper boy. Tipping for the first time could send them scurrying around the neighbourhood, telling all and sundry that I've become a flash show off?

I sometimes wish that someone else had won and I could simply have my pound back; however, it would be so selfish to saddle another with my problems. I'll soldier on best I can, someone, somewhere, may be carrying a heavier burden than my millions. My chauffeur does the lottery and I've began to worry about him winning. What would happen to me if he did? It's the same fear with my other staff, cleaners, au pair etc. Would they honour their verbal month's notice agreement. All I can do is pray they don't win, the pressure of finding new staff is something I don't need. Unfortunately, problems such are these will always be lying in wait for wealthy chaps such as me.

Sunday 30 June 2013

Compatible Sex Partners.

A compatible bed partner is key to avoiding a life of sexual disappointment and frustration. Romping away until your hearts content is far easier without distractions. A relationship can be doomed, all too easily, by a trivial clash of personality or mixing business with pleasure.

Do not see Eye to Eye.

It spells disaster when a couple take their argument to bed and fall asleep before resolving it. If only half of a partnership turns their back in bed, it may be the start of a promising situation. However, when a full partnership turns its back, it can't possibly see eye to eye. Underwear will not be removed and the future promises the introduction of bed-socks. 

 To avoid this-Take turns in admitting you were wrong, and offering oral sex is an advisable means of apology.

I'll Take Care of the Boss.

Under no circumstances, should a partner attempt to improve a partners work prospects by becoming sexually available to a boss or bosses.Such assistance is blatantly obvious and may be taken advantage of. Imagine  the horror of a partner thinking talent has earned their promotion, only to discover it was a naked hotel rendezvous. Such pain would never ease. Sex-life doomed to the past.

To avoid this-Tell partners that bosses are rubbish at sex and volunteering to wash their car or mow their lawn is a far better route to promotion.  

  Red Light Spells Danger.

Always think twice before parking in bed with any sort of traffic controller. They have a frustration fetish and indulge by making parts of their body no go areas. To be told erogenous zones are restricted areas is not compatible to saucy proceedings. Expect long delays before reaching any orgasmic destination.
To avoid this-place a red light in the bedroom; it will excite any traffic controller. Then reveal, it indicates a lady of the night and not a stop sign. Prostitute and client role play will swiftly follow. 

No Sex: Resulting Outcome

Not enjoying an adequate amount of sex is not only frustrating, it plays havoc with reproduction figures. An abandoned sex-life will lead to secretive masturbation. Possibly regular visits to cubicles in public toilets. Home to lots of strange characters, at the height of ecstasy, it's not surprising to find strangers peering over the cubicle door. The following day, your secretive masturbation is exposed across social media and a public toilet pervert badge is awarded.

To avoid this-Choose a partner wisely, and above all else, make sure they fuck like the clappers.    

Tuesday 23 April 2013

Unsociable People. (Public Transport)

I have just arrived back home from Crown Court. They liked me so much they they have asked me to return to receive a sentence. It must be one of those writer things.

Anyway, the reason I was invited to Crown Court was down to an extremely unsociable young lady. Heading into town on the bus, I  had found myself standing and holding onto a support bar, directly next to where the said young lady was seated. Now, I had no qualms about standing, sometimes, there is no alternative. However, on this particular journey, whenever the bus turned, which was quite often, motion took me forward. This outcome resulted in my crotch, accidentally, pushing into her face.

After it occurred six or seven times, there was a misunderstanding, which resulted in her pressing the bell and demanding the driver call the police. Due to her unsociable attitude, she claimed I had sexually harassed her. The police duly arrived, and to my astonishment, they took her side, arrested me and suggested I call a lawyer. I contacted a law firm who specialize in such incidents. After I provided a detailed description of the misunderstanding, my defence counsel had every sympathy. In fact, his very words were. "You would have gotten away with it if there had not been fifteen empty seats."

                                Big Ben.                                  There is always that exceptionally well hung individual in the sho...