Showing posts with label humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humour. Show all posts

Monday 15 December 2014

Winning the Lottery is such a Burden

Lottery Hell

When I won the lottery I thought all my problems were solved. However, I'd no idea of the mental stress that comes with £12m. Lottery advisors suggested I should enjoy, but not waste my fortune. Though only a few days later I was faced with an agonizing financial decision.

Having won my vast amount on the Saturday draw, the Wednesday draw arrived in the blink of an eye. I'd had no time to consider the the pros and cons of playing on and I panicked. With my mind in turmoil, a balanced choice was impossible. Bewildered, I took a huge gamble and decided to play on. Hearing the numbers, my fears were proved correct. How I regretted my decision, what a disaster, I never won a single penny.

If only that had been the end of it. Unfortunately, that same indecision has continued for almost three months now. Twice a week my thoughts are in distress. I did calm down a little when I won a further £10, but overall, I'm well over £20 down since my huge win. Some people have won the lottery twice, but I doubt I'm lucky enough to join their ranks. My sensible side tells me to stop playing and I should listen, but my reckless side always has the last word and I fear my fortune may slowly fritter away.

Play on or stop is not my only nightmare. I now fear the crisis that Christmas and birthdays will bring. In the past, I have never once bought a round of drinks for my friends. If I suddenly break that habit, they may feel I'm flaunting my money in their face. It's the same predicament with the window cleaner, milkman, refuse collectors and paper boy. Tipping each for the first time could send them scurrying around the neighborhood, telling all and sundry that I've become a flash show off?

I sometimes wish that someone else had won and I could simply have my two pound coin back. Though on reflection, it would be so selfish to saddle another with my problems. I'll soldier on best I can. Someone, somewhere, may be carrying a heavier burden than my millions. My chauffeur does the lottery and I worry about him winning. What would happen to me if he did? I've the same terror of thought with all my household staff, cleaners, au pair etc. Would they honor my verbal termination  agreement. I pray they don't win, the pressure of finding new staff is something I definitely don't need. Regrettably, for wealthy chaps such as me, these type of problems will always be lying in wait.

Sunday 30 June 2013

Compatible Sex Partners.

A compatible bed partner is key to avoiding a life of sexual disappointment and frustration. Romping away until your hearts content is far easier without distractions. A relationship can be doomed, all too easily, by a trivial clash of personality or mixing business with pleasure.

Do not see Eye to Eye.

It spells disaster when a couple take their argument to bed and fall asleep before resolving it. If only half of a partnership turns their back in bed, it may be the start of a promising situation. However, when a full partnership turns its back, it can't possibly see eye to eye. Underwear will not be removed and the future promises the introduction of bed-socks. 

 To avoid this-Take turns in admitting you were wrong, and offering oral sex is an advisable means of apology.

I'll Take Care of the Boss.

Under no circumstances, should a partner attempt to improve a partners work prospects by becoming sexually available to a boss or bosses.Such assistance is blatantly obvious and may be taken advantage of. Imagine  the horror of a partner thinking talent has earned their promotion, only to discover it was a naked hotel rendezvous. Such pain would never ease. Sex-life doomed to the past.

To avoid this-Tell partners that bosses are rubbish at sex and volunteering to wash their car or mow their lawn is a far better route to promotion.  

  Red Light Spells Danger.

Always think twice before parking in bed with any sort of traffic controller. They have a frustration fetish and indulge by making parts of their body no go areas. To be told erogenous zones are restricted areas is not compatible to saucy proceedings. Expect long delays before reaching any orgasmic destination.
To avoid this-place a red light in the bedroom; it will excite any traffic controller. Then reveal, it indicates a lady of the night and not a stop sign. Prostitute and client role play will swiftly follow. 

No Sex: Resulting Outcome

Not enjoying an adequate amount of sex is not only frustrating, it plays havoc with reproduction figures. An abandoned sex-life will lead to secretive masturbation. Possibly regular visits to cubicles in public toilets. Home to lots of strange characters, at the height of ecstasy, it's not surprising to find strangers peering over the cubicle door. The following day, your secretive masturbation is exposed across social media and a public toilet pervert badge is awarded.

To avoid this-Choose a partner wisely, and above all else, make sure they fuck like the clappers.    

Tuesday 2 April 2013

Who Can You Trust?

Can sex cause people to say and do things that are completely out of character? The following, which had to contain under 200 words, is a small example of what I mean.

The door swung open; his sister had returned. “Its confirmed John, they booked the flight over a week ago, such bastards."

“I’m glad they've gone far away sis; what could we say to them?”

“What sort of bastards are you for starters.”

“I don’t feel any anger, just a numbness.”

“I have anger, lots and lots of it."

“Keeping her company while I worked late; I thought he was doing me a favour; I thought I was putting him out. I was so naive.”

“Such a fucking mess John, what a scheming bitch.”

“I should have known it was too good to be true; why would a girl like her want me?”

“What! She is not fit to crawl in your shit; she doesn’t deserve to be on the same planet as you.” 

“Not so loud sis, mum will hear.”

“The doctor gave her a sedative; he said she will sleep for a while.”

“I worshipped her; could I  have done something different?”

“John! Don’t you dare feel any guilt; everything took place behind your back.”

“What was it dad used to say: ‘Always expect the unexpected.’ 

“He often said that; I just wish he was here now; and not on an aeroplane with your fucking girlfriend”.

                                Big Ben.                                  There is always that exceptionally well hung individual in the sho...