Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts

Wednesday 20 April 2016

Monday 15 December 2014

Winning the Lottery is such a Burden

Lottery Hell

When I won the lottery I thought all my problems were solved. However, I'd no idea of the mental stress that comes with £12m. Lottery advisors suggested I should enjoy, but not waste my fortune. Though only a few days later I was faced with an agonizing financial decision.

Having won my vast amount on the Saturday draw, the Wednesday draw arrived in the blink of an eye. I'd had no time to consider the the pros and cons of playing on and I panicked. With my mind in turmoil, a balanced choice was impossible. Bewildered, I took a huge gamble and decided to play on. Hearing the numbers, my fears were proved correct. How I regretted my decision, what a disaster, I never won a single penny.

If only that had been the end of it. Unfortunately, that same indecision has continued for almost three months now. Twice a week my thoughts are in distress. I did calm down a little when I won a further £10, but overall, I'm well over £20 down since my huge win. Some people have won the lottery twice, but I doubt I'm lucky enough to join their ranks. My sensible side tells me to stop playing and I should listen, but my reckless side always has the last word and I fear my fortune may slowly fritter away.

Play on or stop is not my only nightmare. I now fear the crisis that Christmas and birthdays will bring. In the past, I have never once bought a round of drinks for my friends. If I suddenly break that habit, they may feel I'm flaunting my money in their face. It's the same predicament with the window cleaner, milkman, refuse collectors and paper boy. Tipping each for the first time could send them scurrying around the neighborhood, telling all and sundry that I've become a flash show off?

I sometimes wish that someone else had won and I could simply have my two pound coin back. Though on reflection, it would be so selfish to saddle another with my problems. I'll soldier on best I can. Someone, somewhere, may be carrying a heavier burden than my millions. My chauffeur does the lottery and I worry about him winning. What would happen to me if he did? I've the same terror of thought with all my household staff, cleaners, au pair etc. Would they honor my verbal termination  agreement. I pray they don't win, the pressure of finding new staff is something I definitely don't need. Regrettably, for wealthy chaps such as me, these type of problems will always be lying in wait.

Sunday 2 March 2014

Enjoy a Modern Sex Life.

Nothing stays the same, and that includes sex. Something new always comes along, and in no time at all we are left wondering how on earth we managed without it. This is a little tale that reveals how I manage to stay in touch with modern trends. 

Do you know what you're doing?

Have a Modern Sex Life.

It was during the fifth or possibly sixth beer, that our discussion arrived at sex. My best friend Albert and I have a wonderful, honest, relationship, similar to the one I once had with my wife. He asked how my sex life was and I had to admit that it was as infrequent as it was dull.

“That’s because you’re no longer a mystery; you need to surprise her, give her a shock.”
“Going home early would do that.”
“Roy! Your kids are married and gone; you should be having the sex of your lives. Try bending her over the settee or take her on the kitchen floor.”
“Taking her to chemist for indigestion and headache pills is as far as I go nowadays.”
“Don’t tell me you’re not up to date with seduction techniques?”
“Techniques? Couple of lagers topped up with a few brandies and knickers off, is that no longer the order of the day?
“Naw, naw naw; that’s primitive; it’s all about Bodisim; it’s the new thing.”
“Bodisim! What the fuck’s Bodisim?”
“Unless you want her legs to stay closed forever, you must learn. It’s a mystical art of stripping your woman naked and then belting her arse until it’s red raw.”
“Is this beer getting to you???”
“It’s no wind up. Bodisim was invented by a woman whose hair turned grey on her fiftieth birthday.”
“How did she come up with that?”

“She was so depressed that she jay walked across the road to buy a colourful wig. A posh city bloke, in a Rolls Royce, smacked into her and she landed open legged on top of his Spirit of Ecstasy. Her bum was badly bruised and she was in agony, but she orgasmed five times before the emergency crew pulled her off it. From that day on, she couldn’t enjoy sex without a painful arse.”

“Interesting as that is, how will it help me?”
“Because that aching ass was a milestone; just like the first woman who burnt her bra when she had sore nipples, another piece of history in the making.”
“Surely you know that I haven’t got a Rolls Royce.”
“You don’t need a posh car to belt your loved one; that Spirit of Ecstasy was only the spark. You’ve got a bike, use an inner tube.”
“So, if I belt my wife’s ass with an inner tube, she’ll be mad for sex?”
“Take my word for it; in fact get some Viagra, she’ll keep you at it all night.”

I enjoy being drunk; it stopped me from feeling embarrassed when I asked the girl in the chemist for Viagra, in fact,I asked for it in quite a loud voice. I wanted everyone in the shop to know that they were in the presence of a stud.

“You’re fucking late home again you drunken cunt.”

My wife’s voice seemed to be lacking its feminine charm, but armed with my new carnival knowledge, she’d soon need an abacus to keep count of her orgasms. After calling me every name under the sun for an hour or so, she went upstairs for her evening bath. I waited until steam began to escape beneath the door and crept in gripping my lengthy inner tube. Perfect, she was naked and bent over the bath testing the water.

“What happened then?” Albert asked, in the pub a few days later.

“Well, I’d overlooked something most important; she was still having treatment for bum blisters.”
“Oh yeah, you spilled that boiling coffee on her arse when she was sunbathing in the garden.”
“Anyway, I managed to land two really powerful strokes. Hearing her yell, I thought your information was working. It roused rather than aroused her; she grabbed me by the balls and literally threw me in the air.”

“The black eye?”
“From a right hook on the way down.”
“I’m afraid your wife must be one of those rare women who are not suited to Bodisim. She’s what you call a Domontricks  Massacarist. Fortunately, I know how to make those horny too.”

Want a little comedy sex read?

Sunday 29 September 2013

Adult Jokes.

You've Sliced It

Two women were playing golf one when one skewed a shot that hit a man who had been watching them. Grasping his hands at his groin he fell, rolling around in agony.  Horrified, the two women ran to help.
'I'm so sorry are you okay?'
'Ah, ah, ahgghhh,' was all he could reply.
The two women waited for a minute or so, but he seemed unable to speak or climb to his feet. Eventually, one of the women decided to take charge.
'Please, let me help you with this. I'm a professional physio and I can ease your pain, is it okay for me to try?'
Although the man couldn't answer, he nodded his head in approval.
She carefully pulled down his shorts, put her hand inside his underwear and began to gently massage the entire area between his legs.
After a couple of minutes she asked.'How does that feel.'
'Marvelous, he replied, but my thumb still hurts, I think you've broken it."

It's Never Easy.

During weekly visits to the supermarket a man becomes hugely attracted to one of the check out girls. Eventually, he makes her an offer.
"Come to my apartment for sex and I'll give you £1,000."
"Are you serious?"
"Yes, I'll simply throw the money on the floor, it will be all over by the time you've picked it up."
She and her boyfriend are saving to be married, so she calls him.
"Tell him to make it £2,000, pick it up real quickly and he'll barely have time to take his clothes off."
It's arranged for 8 o'clock the following evening; at 8-30, her boyfriend calls.
"How did it go?"      
"How IS it going would be more precise! The sly bastard used coins; I'm still picking and he's still fucking."

What else could we do?

A cruise ship sinks and three survivors, Randy, Buck and Lola make their way to a desert island. With plenty to eat and drink, they make their own naked entertainment.  However, years of lustful sex takes its toll, depressed and racked with guilt Lola takes her life.
As awful as her suicide was, Randy and Buck struggle on. However, after a year or so, Randy and Buck begin to feel guilty about what they are doing. So, they do the decent thing and bury Lola.

Said the Bishop to the actress

A priest of a small community was somewhat disappointed during a weekly call  to his Bishop.
'I can't believe that one of my parishioners would steal my bicycle, especially as it was my only form of transport.'
'Don't worry it can't be far, and there is a way to find it, said the Bishop.
'There is?'
'Yes, make a point including the Ten Commandments into your next service. When you reach number 8, Thou shalt not steal, take a long look at the congregation, the guilty face will lead you to your bicycle.
The following week the Bishop was keen to know if his plan had worked.
'Yes, it did in a roundabout way,' the priest told him.
'I don't understand, what do you mean roundabout way?'  
Well, when I reached number 7, Thou shalt not commit adultery, I remembered where I'd left my bicycle.' 

New Joke Jan 26th. Naughty Cartoons.

This week I thought I would show my appreciation for naughty cartoons.

New Joke Jan 6th. Bus Exposure

I was on the bus today and woman started breastfeeding. About three or four minutes later an elderly lady stood up and started screaming at the top of her voice.

"Stop that! That's disgraceful!

Looking back-I suppose  I should have waited until I got home, before I started masturbating.


New Joke December 22nd-Big Mouth

The office loudmouth, trying to make fun of one of his colleagues says.

'You have quite a big stomach there-can you see your cock when you're naked and look down?

'No-I can't to be honest-your wife's head is usually in the way.'

New Joke December 12th. Everyone Likes A Quickie

This week I thought I would pay tribute to the Quickie.

1- "Mummy, why are you white and I'm black?" A little boy asked his mother: 

 "Don’t even ask me that, when I remember that party mmhm..., you are lucky that you don’t bark."

Wife and husband bought condoms with different flavors.

"Darling, I will put one on and turn off the light, then you have to guess the flavor."

he takes it in the mouth and yells: "Gorgonzola." 

"Wait!!, it is not on yet.

3-A man in a pub boasted he could tell the exact date a woman was born; simply by feeling her breasts.

"I don't believe that-prove it," said a skeptical lady and she raised her jumper.

After giving her breasts a thorough groping he said-"Yesterday-Without any doubt whatsoever."


New Joke December 4th. Magic, Before Your Eyes.

 An Amish father and son visited a large city for the very first time. They were fascinated by its technology, especially the wall that opened and closed.
"What is that Father?"
Having not previously seen an elevator, he replied. "I have never seen anything like this?"
They were mesmerized when an old lady in a wheel chair arrived and pressed a button. Apparently opening by magic, they watched as the old lady entered a small room and the wall closed behind her. Almost at once lights began flashing-after a minute or so the flashing stopped and the door opened. The two were flabbergasted when a highly desirable young woman stepped out.
"Son-Quick! Go get your mother and grandma."


 New Joke November 25th.   Christmas Party Etiquette 


It was the morning after the office Christmas party and Frank was thinking his confused head was about to explode. He had a history of foolish behavior and something was telling him that the evening had been a disaster. He went downstairs praying he was wrong, but his wife confirmed his thoughts. Although she never said a word, the way she was staring and shaking her head spelt disaster.
"Honey-it wasn’t that bad was it?”
"It was, you did it again. People were leaving early because of you; you insulted almost every member of the board, and swore directly into the president’s face.”
"He must have deserved it, piss on him," said Frank, desperately trying to justify his actions.
"You did, that’s when he fired you."
"What! Oh fuck him!” He exclaimed, feeling all was lost.
"I did. You start back on Monday.”
“Honey!-Did I ever tell you I love you!”

 New Joke November 14th.

Feed by Hand.

Man walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: - $3.50.
Chicken Sandwich: - $5.50.
Hand Job: - $12.00.

After checking his wallet he approaches the bar and beckons one of three exceptionally, attractive blondes, who are serving drinks to a drooling bunch of men.

"Yes?" She inquires with a sexy smile. "Can I help you?"

"I was wondering", he whispers."Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am."

He quickly replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!" 


 New Joke 6th November 

Outrage in Court.

A man was appearing in court on a double murder charge, and the judge said, "You are accused of raping then beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice from the back of the courtroom yelled out. "You bastard!"

The judge glared and continued, "You are further accused of raping then beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

Again, a voice from the back of the courtroom yelled out. "You despicable bastard!"

The judge stopped proceedings and addressed a man at the back of the courtroom. "Sir, I can quite understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but if you make any further outbursts I shall charge you with contempt of court! I hope there will be no more problems."

The man at the back of the court stood up and responded, "I'm really sorry, but I have lived next door to that bastard for fifteen years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer ... he said he never had one!"

 Added 27th October-Sex and the Church.

Three couples- elderly-middle-aged and young newly-weds wanted to join a church group.
The priest said " We have special requirements for all new members; to prove your determination, you must refrain from having sex for four weeks." 
The couples agreed & came back at the end of the fourth week.
The priest asked the elderly couple- "Were you able to abstain from sex for four weeks?"

 The old man replied, "Yes, and without problem."
"Congratulations, welcome to the group." said the priest.
The middle-aged couple were asked the same question- The man replied.- "The first week was easy, the second not too bad, halfway through the third week I began sleeping in the spare room, but yes, we made it." 

"You have shown excellent resolve; we are more than pleased to accept you," said the smiling priest.
  "Now my dears, I do hope you will be the third new couple to join our group this evening," the priest said. "Father, we are so sorry to say that we failed," the disappointed young man replied.

 "Would you care to say why you succumbed?" the priest inquired.
" It was during the very first day; a little honey was needed for the final ingredient of a dinner I was preparing. When my wife reached to the top shelf it exposed the tops of her legs, and she was wearing stockings and suspenders. I was overcome with lust and forced her to the floor."

 "Although I'm sorry to hear of your weakness, do you understand you will not allowed into our group?" the priest asked shaking his head. 
 "We do indeed," said the young man. "We're no longer allowed in the supermarket either."

 Added 19th Oct. We are back in the pharmacist for this weeks joke, which is only a short one.

A 97 year old man goes into a chemist shop and asks for 12 Viagra tablets; he then asks for each one be cut into  into 4 pieces.

The pharmacist is somewhat surprised, but happily obliges. "Of course sir, though I must tell you that a quarter of a tablet will hardly be enough to give you an erection."

The old man looked at him and smiled. "Young man I am 97, I have no requirements for an erection; I just want it to reach a little further so I don't keep pissing on my slippers."

Added Oct 11th.

Henry's health had been deteriorating for months, and he knew that he was dying.  Looking up at his wife who was sitting by his bedside, he just managed to say in a very weak voice.
 'Ivy, you have been such a loyal and trusting wife; I think its only fair that I confess to the wrongs I have done you.
'There's no need to do that Henry, really,' she replied.
  'No, I insist, it will allow me to die with a clear conscience, and you deserve to know the truth.'
  'As you wish, but it's really not necessary.'.
 'Honey, I slept with both your sister and your best friend many times.Then there was our old neighbor Jesse and the schoolteacher as well as...' 
 'Please don't say anymore,' she interrupted looking wide eyed in disbelief, before adding. 'Discovering that is such a shock at a time like this; I had no idea about the schoolteacher, only the others, but never mind, you rest now, it will help the poison work a little quicker.

 A little humor to reveal that, rational thought quickly goes out of the window when the subject matter becomess personal.

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into her local pharmacy. She walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes grew bigger as he explained. "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. Not only is it against the law-I would lose my license before they threw us both in jail. So no, absolutely not, you CAN-NOT have any cyanide."

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband on a bed with the pharmacist's wife, his cock was deep inside her throat.

The pharmacist looked at the picture, nodded, and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Wednesday 8 May 2013

Sex for Chocolate? (So Sweet)

  Considered the sweetest, can Chocolate replace a sexual appetite? Whether sex be a hourly, daily, weekly, monthly or even yearly craving, does filling the mouth with a Mars bar or Cadburys flake remove its pangs? Scientists, who experiment everywhere, but probably never in the bedroom, have produced some interesting facts.
Chocolate-contains Phenyl-ethylamine, (quite a mouthful), and this chemical is released into the brain whenever things become frisky or romantic. To avoid a chemistry lesson, I will simply say that its snowball effect can lead to a most satisfying orgasm. However, before these sexual highs can flood a person’s body, they need a catalyst to shoot them out. Chocolate, is that very catalyst. Experts say that Chocolate Fingers opening Chocolate Buttons before helping themselves to Double Deckers is foreplay at its most erotic.

All of this brings me back to the original question: Is Chocolate capable of feeding a sexual appetite? There is a reason I ask, returning home one evening last week, I discovered my girlfriend curled up on the rug dressed only in underwear.

“You won’t believe how Black Magic can satisfy me,” she moaned.

She was acting extremely strange, and when I opened the wardrobe I discovered her secret. Whips, Cadburys Walnut Whips to be precise, but not only that, a Turkish Delight was laying across her Fudge. Being open minded, I felt there must be something in what these Scientists are saying, yet there is a ‘but’ coming. A substitute is meant to replace something of a similar ilk. Now, I can state quite honestly, we have NEVER had that amount of sex.

No longer too tired, her mouth devours her new love all night long. And talk about double penetration! With a Flake in one side and a Curly Wurly in the other, I had no idea she could use her mouth with such passion. So, just as a Scientist would, I will finish with a conclusion.
 If you suspect your partner is having an affair, pray it's not with Chocolate. Whereas a fling with a human may only be brief, I conclude that Chocolate is to love, honour and obey.

                                Big Ben.                                  There is always that exceptionally well hung individual in the sho...