Showing posts with label barmaid jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label barmaid jokes. Show all posts

Sunday 29 September 2013

Adult Jokes.

You've Sliced It

Two women were playing golf one when one skewed a shot that hit a man who had been watching them. Grasping his hands at his groin he fell, rolling around in agony.  Horrified, the two women ran to help.
'I'm so sorry are you okay?'
'Ah, ah, ahgghhh,' was all he could reply.
The two women waited for a minute or so, but he seemed unable to speak or climb to his feet. Eventually, one of the women decided to take charge.
'Please, let me help you with this. I'm a professional physio and I can ease your pain, is it okay for me to try?'
Although the man couldn't answer, he nodded his head in approval.
She carefully pulled down his shorts, put her hand inside his underwear and began to gently massage the entire area between his legs.
After a couple of minutes she asked.'How does that feel.'
'Marvelous, he replied, but my thumb still hurts, I think you've broken it."

It's Never Easy.

During weekly visits to the supermarket a man becomes hugely attracted to one of the check out girls. Eventually, he makes her an offer.
"Come to my apartment for sex and I'll give you £1,000."
"Are you serious?"
"Yes, I'll simply throw the money on the floor, it will be all over by the time you've picked it up."
She and her boyfriend are saving to be married, so she calls him.
"Tell him to make it £2,000, pick it up real quickly and he'll barely have time to take his clothes off."
It's arranged for 8 o'clock the following evening; at 8-30, her boyfriend calls.
"How did it go?"      
"How IS it going would be more precise! The sly bastard used coins; I'm still picking and he's still fucking."

What else could we do?

A cruise ship sinks and three survivors, Randy, Buck and Lola make their way to a desert island. With plenty to eat and drink, they make their own naked entertainment.  However, years of lustful sex takes its toll, depressed and racked with guilt Lola takes her life.
As awful as her suicide was, Randy and Buck struggle on. However, after a year or so, Randy and Buck begin to feel guilty about what they are doing. So, they do the decent thing and bury Lola.

Said the Bishop to the actress

A priest of a small community was somewhat disappointed during a weekly call  to his Bishop.
'I can't believe that one of my parishioners would steal my bicycle, especially as it was my only form of transport.'
'Don't worry it can't be far, and there is a way to find it, said the Bishop.
'There is?'
'Yes, make a point including the Ten Commandments into your next service. When you reach number 8, Thou shalt not steal, take a long look at the congregation, the guilty face will lead you to your bicycle.
The following week the Bishop was keen to know if his plan had worked.
'Yes, it did in a roundabout way,' the priest told him.
'I don't understand, what do you mean roundabout way?'  
Well, when I reached number 7, Thou shalt not commit adultery, I remembered where I'd left my bicycle.' 

New Joke Jan 26th. Naughty Cartoons.

This week I thought I would show my appreciation for naughty cartoons.

New Joke Jan 6th. Bus Exposure

I was on the bus today and woman started breastfeeding. About three or four minutes later an elderly lady stood up and started screaming at the top of her voice.

"Stop that! That's disgraceful!

Looking back-I suppose  I should have waited until I got home, before I started masturbating.


New Joke December 22nd-Big Mouth

The office loudmouth, trying to make fun of one of his colleagues says.

'You have quite a big stomach there-can you see your cock when you're naked and look down?

'No-I can't to be honest-your wife's head is usually in the way.'

New Joke December 12th. Everyone Likes A Quickie

This week I thought I would pay tribute to the Quickie.

1- "Mummy, why are you white and I'm black?" A little boy asked his mother: 

 "Don’t even ask me that, when I remember that party mmhm..., you are lucky that you don’t bark."

Wife and husband bought condoms with different flavors.

"Darling, I will put one on and turn off the light, then you have to guess the flavor."

he takes it in the mouth and yells: "Gorgonzola." 

"Wait!!, it is not on yet.

3-A man in a pub boasted he could tell the exact date a woman was born; simply by feeling her breasts.

"I don't believe that-prove it," said a skeptical lady and she raised her jumper.

After giving her breasts a thorough groping he said-"Yesterday-Without any doubt whatsoever."


New Joke December 4th. Magic, Before Your Eyes.

 An Amish father and son visited a large city for the very first time. They were fascinated by its technology, especially the wall that opened and closed.
"What is that Father?"
Having not previously seen an elevator, he replied. "I have never seen anything like this?"
They were mesmerized when an old lady in a wheel chair arrived and pressed a button. Apparently opening by magic, they watched as the old lady entered a small room and the wall closed behind her. Almost at once lights began flashing-after a minute or so the flashing stopped and the door opened. The two were flabbergasted when a highly desirable young woman stepped out.
"Son-Quick! Go get your mother and grandma."


 New Joke November 25th.   Christmas Party Etiquette 


It was the morning after the office Christmas party and Frank was thinking his confused head was about to explode. He had a history of foolish behavior and something was telling him that the evening had been a disaster. He went downstairs praying he was wrong, but his wife confirmed his thoughts. Although she never said a word, the way she was staring and shaking her head spelt disaster.
"Honey-it wasn’t that bad was it?”
"It was, you did it again. People were leaving early because of you; you insulted almost every member of the board, and swore directly into the president’s face.”
"He must have deserved it, piss on him," said Frank, desperately trying to justify his actions.
"You did, that’s when he fired you."
"What! Oh fuck him!” He exclaimed, feeling all was lost.
"I did. You start back on Monday.”
“Honey!-Did I ever tell you I love you!”

 New Joke November 14th.

Feed by Hand.

Man walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: - $3.50.
Chicken Sandwich: - $5.50.
Hand Job: - $12.00.

After checking his wallet he approaches the bar and beckons one of three exceptionally, attractive blondes, who are serving drinks to a drooling bunch of men.

"Yes?" She inquires with a sexy smile. "Can I help you?"

"I was wondering", he whispers."Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am."

He quickly replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!" 


 New Joke 6th November 

Outrage in Court.

A man was appearing in court on a double murder charge, and the judge said, "You are accused of raping then beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice from the back of the courtroom yelled out. "You bastard!"

The judge glared and continued, "You are further accused of raping then beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

Again, a voice from the back of the courtroom yelled out. "You despicable bastard!"

The judge stopped proceedings and addressed a man at the back of the courtroom. "Sir, I can quite understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but if you make any further outbursts I shall charge you with contempt of court! I hope there will be no more problems."

The man at the back of the court stood up and responded, "I'm really sorry, but I have lived next door to that bastard for fifteen years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer ... he said he never had one!"

 Added 27th October-Sex and the Church.

Three couples- elderly-middle-aged and young newly-weds wanted to join a church group.
The priest said " We have special requirements for all new members; to prove your determination, you must refrain from having sex for four weeks." 
The couples agreed & came back at the end of the fourth week.
The priest asked the elderly couple- "Were you able to abstain from sex for four weeks?"

 The old man replied, "Yes, and without problem."
"Congratulations, welcome to the group." said the priest.
The middle-aged couple were asked the same question- The man replied.- "The first week was easy, the second not too bad, halfway through the third week I began sleeping in the spare room, but yes, we made it." 

"You have shown excellent resolve; we are more than pleased to accept you," said the smiling priest.
  "Now my dears, I do hope you will be the third new couple to join our group this evening," the priest said. "Father, we are so sorry to say that we failed," the disappointed young man replied.

 "Would you care to say why you succumbed?" the priest inquired.
" It was during the very first day; a little honey was needed for the final ingredient of a dinner I was preparing. When my wife reached to the top shelf it exposed the tops of her legs, and she was wearing stockings and suspenders. I was overcome with lust and forced her to the floor."

 "Although I'm sorry to hear of your weakness, do you understand you will not allowed into our group?" the priest asked shaking his head. 
 "We do indeed," said the young man. "We're no longer allowed in the supermarket either."

 Added 19th Oct. We are back in the pharmacist for this weeks joke, which is only a short one.

A 97 year old man goes into a chemist shop and asks for 12 Viagra tablets; he then asks for each one be cut into  into 4 pieces.

The pharmacist is somewhat surprised, but happily obliges. "Of course sir, though I must tell you that a quarter of a tablet will hardly be enough to give you an erection."

The old man looked at him and smiled. "Young man I am 97, I have no requirements for an erection; I just want it to reach a little further so I don't keep pissing on my slippers."

Added Oct 11th.

Henry's health had been deteriorating for months, and he knew that he was dying.  Looking up at his wife who was sitting by his bedside, he just managed to say in a very weak voice.
 'Ivy, you have been such a loyal and trusting wife; I think its only fair that I confess to the wrongs I have done you.
'There's no need to do that Henry, really,' she replied.
  'No, I insist, it will allow me to die with a clear conscience, and you deserve to know the truth.'
  'As you wish, but it's really not necessary.'.
 'Honey, I slept with both your sister and your best friend many times.Then there was our old neighbor Jesse and the schoolteacher as well as...' 
 'Please don't say anymore,' she interrupted looking wide eyed in disbelief, before adding. 'Discovering that is such a shock at a time like this; I had no idea about the schoolteacher, only the others, but never mind, you rest now, it will help the poison work a little quicker.

 A little humor to reveal that, rational thought quickly goes out of the window when the subject matter becomess personal.

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into her local pharmacy. She walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes grew bigger as he explained. "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. Not only is it against the law-I would lose my license before they threw us both in jail. So no, absolutely not, you CAN-NOT have any cyanide."

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband on a bed with the pharmacist's wife, his cock was deep inside her throat.

The pharmacist looked at the picture, nodded, and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

                                Big Ben.                                  There is always that exceptionally well hung individual in the sho...