Sunday, 30 June 2013

Compatible Sex Partners.

A compatible bed partner is key to avoiding a life of sexual disappointment and frustration. Romping away until your hearts content is far easier without distractions. A relationship can be doomed, all too easily by a trivial clash of personality or mixing business with pleasure.

Do not see Eye to Eye.

It spells disaster when a couple take their argument to bed and fall asleep before resolving it. If only half of a partnership turns their back in bed, it may be the start of a promising situation. However, when a full partnership turns its back, it can't possibly see eye to eye. Underwear will not be removed and the future promises the introduction of bed-socks. 

 To avoid this-Take turns in admitting you were wrong, and oral sex is advisable as means of apology.

I'll Take Care of the Boss.

Under no circumstances, should a partner attempt to improve a partners work prospects by becoming sexually available to a boss or bosses.Such assistance is blatantly obvious and may be taken advantage of. Imagine  the horror of a partner thinking talent has earned their promotion, only to discover it was a naked hotel rendezvous. Such pain would never ease. Sex-life doomed to the past.

To avoid this-Tell partners that bosses are rubbish at sex and volunteering to wash their car or mow their lawn is a far better route to promotion.  

  Red Light Spells Danger.

Always think twice before parking in bed with any sort of traffic controller. They have a frustration fetish and indulge by making parts of their body no go areas. To be told erogenous zones are restricted areas is not compatible to saucy proceedings. Expect long delays before reaching any orgasmic destination.
To avoid this-place a red light in the bedroom; it will excite any traffic controller. Then reveal, it indicates a lady of the night and not a stop sign. Prostitute and client role play will swiftly follow. Introduce a double yellow line, thrusting will intensify to avoid clamping.

No Sex: Resulting Outcome

Not enjoying an adequate amounts of sex is not only frustrating, it plays havoc with reproduction figures. An abandoned sex-life will lead to secretive masturbation. Possibly regular visits to cubicles in public toilets. Home to lots of strange characters, at the height of ecstasy, it's no surprise to find a stranger peering over the cubicle door. Following day, secretive masturbation is exposed across social media and a public toilet pervert badge is awarded.

To avoid this-Choose a partner wisely, and above all else, make sure they fuck like the clappers.    

Monday, 17 June 2013

Intimate Questions for a Captive Audience of Men. (Women should Peek.)

Many men work away from home in an environment that makes socialising impossible. Consequently, they have to endure long hours with workmates. So just what do they find to discuss? You may be surprised to discover that many enjoy playing out embarrassing or intimate situations and morals. They do this by answering pre-written questions; so, I thought I would expose these secrets by displaying 30 very similar questions. 

30 Questions.

·         How would you react to an unknown woman who flirtatiously nipped your bottom in a public bar?

·         What’s the first physical attraction that draws you towards a woman?

·         If you were about to have sex with a woman and she said something very distasteful about your best male friend, would you still go through with the act?

·         Do you wish that you had a larger or smaller penis?

·         Would you take a woman home to meet your parents, if she swore like a trooper, and had no control over it?

·         If your best friends wife/girlfriend made it obvious that she wanted sex with you, would you 1.-Accommodate her? 2. Let your best friend know?

·         If you girlfriend of a few months, who wore very short skirts, suddenly said she wanted to go commando as it made her feel more comfortable, would you object?

·         Would you date a woman who was at least six inches taller than you?

·         Would you tell the parents of a new girlfriend that you had no car because of drink driving, or would you lie and say you didn’t drive?

·         If you suddenly discovered that a woman you had been dating for two months was married, but in an open relationship, would you walk out?

·         Would you marry a woman, who because of her job, spent three or four nights away from home every week?

·         Do you think that there are certain tasks that only a woman should do, and vice versa?

·         If your new girlfriend admitted she couldn’t cook a meal to save her life, would it be of any great concern to you?

·         If your girlfriend/wife wanted to be photographed in the nude (as a keepsake), while she still had a beautiful body, would you be happy to allow a professional photographer carry out her wishes?

·         If you met a very pretty girl who thought it was fun to break wind, and did so on the first date, would you immediately have nagging doubts about her?

 ·         Before you married, would you prefer to know every last detail about her previous sex life, or allow it to remain a mystery forever?

 ·         If there was a way that you could secretly spy on an attractive neighbour while she was bathing, would you take up that option?

·         Do you have a hidden talent in the field of arts that you would secretly love to make a living from?

 ·         Have you ever seen a ghost or experienced something that was definitely supernatural?

·         Have you ever bumped another vehicle or object without being seen, and not admitted to it?

·         Do you believe any of the people who say that they have been abducted by aliens?

·         Have you ever said that you enjoy an activity, which you secretly despise, simply to impress someone?

·         If you are given too much change in a shop do you immediately hand it back or say nothing?

Friday, 14 June 2013

The Big Penis Truth: Does Penis Size Matter?

A question that's always asked, but never satisfactorily answered.

The Big Penis Debate: Does Penis Size Matter?

Males, past and present, have always been self-conscious about the size of their penis. Insecurity begins during early teenage life, purely to cause havoc. It's during this time that the penis develops a mind of its own. Without warning, it suddenly becomes uncontrollable. Usually in public, to maximize embarrassment, it will erect itself for no reason whatsoever.  Its departure will require the mind to engage into its most tedious thought. Teenagers will often exit a bus with their erection concealed by a college bag. 

Ultimately, discussions within this age group will change dramatically. Toys and games are banished to the loft, they have a new plaything, and it doesn’t come with instructions. Each new member must gather their own information. Shower room debates, regardless of global location, will always reach the same conclusion. 
Bigger is Better.

It's a never ending cycle. each male generation, generating insecurities that can last a lifetime. But should the male population continue to suffer such indignities? Is it time to remove this self inflicted doubt? The internet is home to mass information regarding penis size, and much of it concludes, Bigger is Better  to be an error. Compiled evidence insists that, during the course of sex, EVERY penis size has its pros and cons.

More will follow on this big crunch issue.

Wednesday, 15 May 2013

Free Sex Comedy; You may be very Surprised.

This story is the shortest from my e-book; 'A Comedy Threesome of Erotic Stories.' These stories are meant to lean far more towards comedy than erotica. Erotica has to be used in the title, simply due to the adult content. It seems to be the type of comedy that people either love or hate, I do hope a few lovers discover it. 

You Don’t Know Half Of It. Free Version.

The first Saturday of each month is a very special day for Randolph and Henrietta. Even 40 years of marriage has not dulled their excitement for this day. They wait in anticipation of the postman’s delivery, cuddling and smiling at each almost childlike. Footsteps can be heard approaching the front door, suddenly there is a clunk and an envelope lands on the appropriately named welcome mat.

“You open it.”Randolph insists.

Henrietta carefully removes the contents from its packaging and after a short study yells out. “You fucking beauty, it’s exactly what we wanted, Randy (as she calls him affectionately) it’s the one that shows multiple anal orgasms.”

While gripping her waist he ogles the D.V.D. cover as she reads out the three new film titles to be added to their growing collection. “Sluts Love Orgies-Anal Orgasmic-Double Penetration”. Randy gropes Hornyetta (as he calls her in private) firmly on her ass and the drooling begins, they will be having lots of very hot sex while watching these blue movies.

“I can’t wait any longer, I could hammer nails in with this, let’s get down to it.” Randy says.

His wife, with a smile suggesting pure filth, agrees and heads for the D.V.D. player with disc in hand. Randy ensures total privacy by closing the curtains, and the unmistakeable sound of porn film music is heard. They hastily strip each other while groping all private parts. A jumbo size jar of sweet smelling lube is produced and opened.

 “We’ve used more than half of this already, don’t forget to order some more, we don’t want to run out.” Hornyeyetta says and giggles.

Randy’s initial purchase of lube occurred when a drunken stag night somehow took him into a sex shop for the first time. Despite his age he was very naive at the time, and had been prompted into buying it by much younger colleagues, who assured him that it was ladies bathing oil.

“A perfect gift for your wife.” They had said. Little did they know, it would turn out to be the best prank ever played on him, and that was how many empty jars ago?

They both take a liberal amount and Randy pushes his handful between her legs, which are readily open in anticipation. He works it well into her pussy and fingers an ample amount of it up into her ass; they are very keen to progressively advance their anal skills. Hornyetta’s hands are not idle either, he enjoys the feeling of his cock and balls being manipulated by her lube filled fingers and palms. Such foreplay is ideal foreplay for the pair of them, and the blue movie action is about to begin in earnest.

Randolph and Henrietta have always adored sex, albeit only ever with each other. Both are very aware that, during long time relationships, one or the other usually loses the urge. Fortunately for these grandparents, their sex drive has remained almost as high as when they were teenagers. It had become a little dull a few years earlier, but then they discovered mail order porn. With no embarrassing shops to enter they built their own little private pleasure collection, and now they are enjoying married sex to the full. Their library of films is quite extensive; it has introduced them to topics and positions that they would never have dreamed of.

With their new found knowledge they like nothing better than imitating what the actors do move for move. The couple look upon the postman’s monthly delivery as a further education course, the phrase, ‘You learn something new everyday,’ are often spoken a few minutes into a freshly delivered film. However, both had often ruefully agreed, ‘If only we had known about such things many years earlier, we could have been famous porn stars now.’

“They always start with a blow job.”

 Hornyetta says kneeling down to meet the rock hard cock that her mouth knows, and still loves so much. Randy savours the moment with smiles and thinks how lucky he is to have a wife with an appetite like hers. He reaches down and fondles her stiff nippled breasts while she begins to lick his balls and remarks.

 “Thank goodness I learned how to deep throat.”

“Yes, Tonsil Scrapers was a very good film.” Randy moans.

Following the actors move for move, Randy spreads Hornyetta out on the rug and climbs between her legs. He gently inserts her favourite dildo toy into her ass, and then pushes his rock hard member deep inside her soaking pussy. She is still only a novice at anal, but by taking a little more each time they are hoping her ass will soon be as cock efficient as her pussy. Their ultimate aim and prize is to have a hard double penetration session, with Randy entering via anal and a special extra thick toy stuck up her pussy. They are harmonizing the actors fucking speed, matching them stroke for stroke, thrust for thrust, when darn it, at the worst possible time the fucking phone starts ringing.

“Leave it; it won’t be important, well not as important as this.” She says ramming her well lubed pussy up to meet his balls.

The scene of the film changes and they follow by moving into the sixty nine position. If their mouths were not busy both would be showing smiles that said-“I am very, very happy.” The oral continues for quite some heavenly time before Randy finds himself fucking mans best friend, --“The Pussy,”--- doggy style, panting just like one as he ploughs faster and faster into Hornyetta. Suddenly, some really cruel luck strikes; they can hear a car arriving on the pebbled drive at the front of the house. Unfortunately ,the car has arrived at exactly the same time as Randy’s orgasm, as he jumps to his feet his cock has become uncontrollable, and now it’s freely shooting large amounts of fresh hot sperm all over the carpet.

A voice is heard from outside. “Hello Mr’s Patterson.” It’s their daughter, she is shouting across to the next door neighbour.

Panic stricken, Henrietta whispers.” Quickly, she has a key, turn the D.V.D. off and get upstairs, you’re naked.”

“I’m naked? So are you.” Randy says with his cock still stuck out like a pirates plank.

Luckily their daughter becomes involved in a short conversation and explains to the neighbour. “I phoned earlier, but there was no answer, so I am just checking that all is well.”

Randy races out of the living room door and bangs his erect cock on the way. “Ouch you fucker.” He mumbles as he scrambles up the stairs.

Meanwhile, his wife quickly puts on a thick woollen jumper and covers her naked bottom half with a thick woollen blanket, both presents from her daughter to keep out winter chills, before taking a chair. The lock turns, and her daughter Jenny enters with her own daughter Susie.

“Mam, Grandma.” They shout in unison. “Are you alright?”

“Of course.” She replies. “You are early; it’s Saturday, you usually come late afternoon.”

Her daughter goes on to explain that there’s a kid’s party that afternoon, so they could not come as per normal. Jenny then asks a tirade of questions. “Where’s Dad, why are clothes scattered all over the place, why is she sitting there without the T.V. on?”

Suddenly Susie makes a disgusting sound of Uuugghhh. “Grandma-there’s something very sticky on your carpet-I can feel it through my shoes.” Regardless of the discovery, she continues prodding her shoe further into the sticky area.

Jenny then says. “It’s the same over here, it’s all over the carpet, what is it?”

“Oh don’t worry you two; it’s just something your dad did.” She replies sheepishly.

Her daughter continues to stare at the damp patches with a very puzzled look.

Thinking quickly she explains. “He was pouring my medicine last night and stumbled, quite a bit spilled from the container, it’s only cough mixture, but it’s very gooey.”

“Would it be possible to drink your liquid straight from the container? It would prevent spillage.”Her daughter suggests.

With a smile, her mother replies. “Believe me, from now on I intend to do just that just as often as I can.”

Coming downstairs after briefly visiting her Grandpa Susie says. “Grandpa sure is sweating, has he got a temperature?”

“No, No.” She answers assuredly. “He did a bit of early morning exercise, limbering up, flexing his muscles like he often does, and then decided to have a short nap. Anyway I hope you have a great time at the party this afternoon honey.”

“I will go up and see dad for a few minutes.” Jenny says.

Seeing her grandmother with such a cheerful face makes Susie so happy that she suddenly leaps onto her lap and hugs her around the neck. It causes Henrietta to jump and fall to the back of the chair letting out a loud “Oooohh, aagghhh, ooohhh.” The noise startles young Susie who promptly jumps back down from her knee.

In the chaos caused by her daughter’s sudden arrival she did not have time to take the dildo out of her ass. So, after months of patiently using the inch by inch method, she has become a fully fledged member of the anal club in one fell swoop. It is now firmly entrenched deep inside her ass hole; her jaw drops and her face becomes cherry red. She is unable to retrieve it, and can not help shouting out many more “Oooohhs” and quite a few extra “Aaggghhhs.”

So much so that her daughter Jenny comes hurtling down the stairs. “Mom what the hell is up?”

Slowly gathering her composure she assures her shocked visitors. “Don’t worry, it’s only trapped wind; it’s just that I’ve never had it with such force before.”

“Oh poor Mam, that must be a right pain in the ass, it’s lucky we came over when we did.”

Her daughter then proceeds to tidy away the clothes-wash the sticky medicine from the carpet, and find a nice program on T.V; it’s all about home craft, and she feels sure that her mother will enjoy it.

“We have to go now mum, but I’ll return later after I drop Susie off at the party.”

“Yes you run along, believe me, your dad and I will be just fine.”

As they are getting in the car Susie says to her mum. “I feel so sorry for them, poor Grandma alone downstairs needing to wear those big woollen clothes to keep warm. Then there’s Grandpa with a hot chill upstairs.” They hear the car leave and all is silent for a few moments.

“Quick, put that fucking film back on.” Randy orders arriving back downstairs with his cock stood to attention.

When Hornyetta bends down to restart the D.V.D. Randy can not resist taking charge of the script. Seeing the dildo firmly entrenched in her ass, he decides double penetration time has arrived, so he rams his cock deep into her pussy.

In gasping breaths Hornyetta says. “I want you to shot your cum, up my pussy, over my tits, down my throat, cover my face in it; or even cum in my hair, but don’t ever shoot it on the fucking carpet again.”

So next time you visit elderly people, ask yourself, ‘Why is she wearing that blanket over her bottom half? Why is her husband in bed at this time of day? Finally, don’t stay too long, there just may be an aching pussy and cock needing to be sorted out. 

A Comedy Threesome of Erotic Stories. Can be found on Amazon. 

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