Tuesday, 23 July 2013

Erotic Author Alice Slack Makes it Big.



I recently had the great pleasure of interviewing best selling erotic sex author Alice Slack. Alice has a split personality and she couldn’t decide if she wanted to talk about it, so I concentrated on her love of cock in dimly lit districts.-This is an unedited transcript.

Hi Alice, I can't express my delight at having you here.

Hi Roysie my pleasure. I simply love your blog, it’s so nostalgic, reminds me of the back alleyway where I gave, Big Buck Butcher, my first blow job.

Why thanks Alice; that must have been a most memorable occasion.

It sure was, it taught me a lot about safe sex.

Really? Was Buck kind enough to give you good advice that day?

No, he didn’t say much that was comprehensible; I’d inadvertently knelt down into a huge pile of dog-shit. Being so naive, I simply thought sperm must smell that way. I have made a point of checking my outdoor love making arenas for such anti-aphrodisiacs ever since.

It’s safe to say that the experience never halted your passion for back alleys, reading your books, almost of your orgasms take place inside them; do alleyways excite you?

No not really sweet puddings; I accept cock at most locations. Dark places merely mean that I don’t have to spend time on looking glamorous, applying make up etc, I use my saved time to write and research new cock activity. You might find this hard to believe, but I don’t always look this beautiful.

Wow! I would never have guessed that you were wearing make up. (She had arrived a little tipsy so I don’t think she saw me blush?)

You learn something every day sweetie meat; regardless, I always need fresh content for my book, so I simply nip out and collect it, back alleyways are my convenience store.

Good Grief! How much do you pay these men?

What me pay! Are you mad tight nuts! I don’t think you understand what I'm saying here, Do I have to explain, very slowly?

(She must have seen me blush that time. She appeared angry so I tactically shuffled in my seat, smiled and allowed her to carry on.

Attracting a man is the simplest thing in the world, even when they are walking by a dark alleyway, a seductive call of ‘Hey you wanna fuck?’ does the trick every time.

Really Alice? Do you think that would work for me?

Possibly Roysie, but only if you ask the right men.

Oh I er see. (Her reply confused me so I quickly nodded in agreement.)

Men like it simple, they respond to groping in the dark; a handful of tits and a pair of open legs are all they require. It complicates things when they catch a glimpse of my face; I’ve missed out on so many erections that way.

Gosh! I find it hard to believe that you look hideous without make-up.

Hold on limp dick! I’m not suggesting that at all.

My apologies Alice; I didn’t intend any er...? I think I’m a little in awe of your presence, please, do go on.

Okay! Okay, forget it, let’s get this over with, it’ll be dark soon. I will clarify. Occasionally, our passion will reach the ears of passing patrolmen who then shine the torch into the alleyway and light up our faces.

Good Grief! You must find it very scary when that happens?

I don’t, but boy you should see the look of horror on the faces of those men before they run. My theory, which I revealed to one officer, explains that my natural face must resemble someone close to them, and it brings on a guilt trip. I thought he was listening sympathetically, and was about to make his dick harder than his truncheon, but he had to spoil it all by turning sarcastic.

I’m sorry and surprised to hear that Alice, do you mind telling what he said?

Sure Roysie I don’t mind, especially as his words only go to show what a dumb ass he is.

In your own time Alice. (I could sense pain in her anger.)

He just dismissed my theory saying, ‘Guilt trip? I don’t know how far one of those trips would take him, but when he caught a glimpse of your mug-shot he began it without hanging around for transport. He was travelling so fast he’s probably met up with those back to the future characters.

(After hearing such cruelty I was lost for words, so I just gave her a warm smile.)

Then his torch went out and he blamed my face for running the batteries down.

(I was so sympathetic and felt that that she deserved a much larger warm smile.)

Are you grinning at me shrivelled dick?

No, no, I’m just amazed that policeman a policeman could be so disrespectful, especially when you were carrying out such essential research.

Why thank you Roysie, I only wish you were the patrolman in my alleyway network.

Well if I was Alice, you could be certain that I wouldn’t shine my torch on your face.

 I’m sure you wouldn’t sweetmeat, you are far too considerate, and if ever you are passing my network pop in and earn a passage in one of my books.

I would love to, just as long as it’s not the alleyway with all that dog-shit in ha ha. (I thought I had made a light amusing remark.)

 Are you trying to be funny? I told you that dog-shit was a long time ago, and I only tend cock in pleasant surrounds. You’re just as bad as that clueless shrimp dicked cop, goodbye pickled balls I won’t be calling again   

 Thanks for the visit Alice, it has been so nice having you here...

Unfortunately she had left before saying that the new book in her Alleyway series - ‘Gagging Over Wheelie Bins.’ is already in the best sellers list, and Alice is currently researching her new title ‘Dicks in the Darkness.’ 

Below sees a regular tour taking fans along the very alleyway that inspired Alice's blockbuster hit- 'Penetrated in the Passage of Passion.'



Sunday, 30 June 2013

Compatible Sex Partners.


A compatible bed partner is key to avoiding a life of sexual disappointment and frustration. Romping away until your hearts content is far easier without distractions. A relationship can be doomed, all too easily by a trivial clash of personality or mixing business with pleasure.

Do not see Eye to Eye.

It spells disaster when a couple take their argument to bed and fall asleep before resolving it. If only half of a partnership turns their back in bed, it may be the start of a promising situation. However, when a full partnership turns its back, it can't possibly see eye to eye. Underwear will not be removed and the future promises the introduction of bed-socks. 

 To avoid this-Take turns in admitting you were wrong, and oral sex is advisable as means of apology.






I'll Take Care of the Boss.


Under no circumstances, should a partner attempt to improve a partners work prospects by becoming sexually available to a boss or bosses.Such assistance is blatantly obvious and may be taken advantage of. Imagine  the horror of a partner thinking talent has earned their promotion, only to discover it was a naked hotel rendezvous. Such pain would never ease. Sex-life doomed to the past.

To avoid this-Tell partners that bosses are rubbish at sex and volunteering to wash their car or mow their lawn is a far better route to promotion.  
    


  Red Light Spells Danger.


Always think twice before parking in bed with any sort of traffic controller. They have a frustration fetish and indulge by making parts of their body no go areas. To be told erogenous zones are restricted areas is not compatible to saucy proceedings. Expect long delays before reaching any orgasmic destination.
To avoid this-place a red light in the bedroom; it will excite any traffic controller. Then reveal, it indicates a lady of the night and not a stop sign. Prostitute and client role play will swiftly follow. Introduce a double yellow line, thrusting will intensify to avoid clamping.
 


No Sex: Resulting Outcome

Not enjoying an adequate amounts of sex is not only frustrating, it plays havoc with reproduction figures. An abandoned sex-life will lead to secretive masturbation. Possibly regular visits to cubicles in public toilets. Home to lots of strange characters, at the height of ecstasy, it's no surprise to find a stranger peering over the cubicle door. Following day, secretive masturbation is exposed across social media and a public toilet pervert badge is awarded.

To avoid this-Choose a partner wisely, and above all else, make sure they fuck like the clappers.    




Monday, 17 June 2013

Intimate Questions for a Captive Audience of Men. (Women should Peek.)





Many men work away from home in an environment that makes socialising impossible. Consequently, they have to endure long hours with workmates. So just what do they find to discuss? You may be surprised to discover that many enjoy playing out embarrassing or intimate situations and morals. They do this by answering pre-written questions; so, I thought I would expose these secrets by displaying 30 very similar questions. 





30 Questions.

·         How would you react to an unknown woman who flirtatiously nipped your bottom in a public bar?

·         What’s the first physical attraction that draws you towards a woman?

·         If you were about to have sex with a woman and she said something very distasteful about your best male friend, would you still go through with the act?

·         Do you wish that you had a larger or smaller penis?

·         Would you take a woman home to meet your parents, if she swore like a trooper, and had no control over it?

·         If your best friends wife/girlfriend made it obvious that she wanted sex with you, would you 1.-Accommodate her? 2. Let your best friend know?

·         If you girlfriend of a few months, who wore very short skirts, suddenly said she wanted to go commando as it made her feel more comfortable, would you object?

·         Would you date a woman who was at least six inches taller than you?

·         Would you tell the parents of a new girlfriend that you had no car because of drink driving, or would you lie and say you didn’t drive?

·         If you suddenly discovered that a woman you had been dating for two months was married, but in an open relationship, would you walk out?

·         Would you marry a woman, who because of her job, spent three or four nights away from home every week?

·         Do you think that there are certain tasks that only a woman should do, and vice versa?

·         If your new girlfriend admitted she couldn’t cook a meal to save her life, would it be of any great concern to you?

·         If your girlfriend/wife wanted to be photographed in the nude (as a keepsake), while she still had a beautiful body, would you be happy to allow a professional photographer carry out her wishes?

·         If you met a very pretty girl who thought it was fun to break wind, and did so on the first date, would you immediately have nagging doubts about her?

 ·         Before you married, would you prefer to know every last detail about her previous sex life, or allow it to remain a mystery forever?

 ·         If there was a way that you could secretly spy on an attractive neighbour while she was bathing, would you take up that option?

·         Do you have a hidden talent in the field of arts that you would secretly love to make a living from?

 ·         Have you ever seen a ghost or experienced something that was definitely supernatural?

·         Have you ever bumped another vehicle or object without being seen, and not admitted to it?

·         Do you believe any of the people who say that they have been abducted by aliens?

·         Have you ever said that you enjoy an activity, which you secretly despise, simply to impress someone?

·         If you are given too much change in a shop do you immediately hand it back or say nothing?

Friday, 14 June 2013

The Big Penis Truth: Does Penis Size Matter?


A question that's always asked, but never satisfactorily answered.

The Big Penis Debate: Does Penis Size Matter?




Males, past and present, have always been self-conscious about the size of their penis. Insecurity begins during early teenage life, purely to cause havoc. It's during this time that the penis develops a mind of its own. Without warning, it suddenly becomes uncontrollable. Usually in public, to maximize embarrassment, it will erect itself for no reason whatsoever.  Its departure will require the mind to engage into its most tedious thought. Teenagers will often exit a bus with their erection concealed by a college bag. 

Ultimately, discussions within this age group will change dramatically. Toys and games are banished to the loft, they have a new plaything, and it doesn’t come with instructions. Each new member must gather their own information. Shower room debates, regardless of global location, will always reach the same conclusion. 
Bigger is Better.

It's a never ending cycle. each male generation, generating insecurities that can last a lifetime. But should the male population continue to suffer such indignities? Is it time to remove this self inflicted doubt? The internet is home to mass information regarding penis size, and much of it concludes, Bigger is Better  to be an error. Compiled evidence insists that, during the course of sex, EVERY penis size has its pros and cons.

More will follow on this big crunch issue.

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