Wednesday 12 February 2014

Inventor of the Hand Job.

Few are aware that 2020 marks the 2,000th anniversary of the birth of Roman advisor Handrewe Jorbe. The Roman Army conquered all before them and the role HJ played should not be underestimated. Continuously marching into battle, soldiers needed to become focused before meeting enemy forces. It's well documented that the Romans favourite pastime was sex, they invented and gave orgies to the world.

After enjoying daily sexual activity in Rome, soldiers had to endure cold turkey. Roman Soldiers marched to war in formations of 80, which meant 10 rows, each 8 abreast. Before battles, soldiers had to stand motionless when listening to their Generals final details. During this time, lack of sex caused soldiers to grow erections. This frustration led to soldiers becoming distracted from their Generals final tactics.

On Handrewe Jorbe's suggestion,a large number of female and a few male slaves were utilized. When  Generals began their speech, a slave knelt and tended the erection of each soldier. The faster the slaves hand moved, the more inspirational the speech became. His idea proved a huge success, soldiers marched into battle inspired, and without a prominent target for the enemy. Without audio technology,  Generals and slaves had to repeat the process for several formations.

It was teething troubles which led to Roman Soldiers wearing the tunics that they are now famously synonymous with. Early Roman fly zips were so crude that slaves were unable to open them, causing wars to be delayed in some cases. Romans always sought easy access to groin areas and the new creation tunic was the perfect solution. Eventually, slaves became known as Handrewe's, a term which was shortened to Hands. Rome readily acknowledged the slaves input and enlisted them into the army.  The Emperor bestowed upon them the title-Hands  Job Unit.

The term 'Hand' is now accepted the world over as someone who help or gives assistance. The much renown quote-Many Hands Make Light Work-was inspired by the work of Handrewe Jorbe's slaves. Let there be no doubt, HJ inspired future generations into lending a helping hand whenever possible.Let's hope the tradition is maintained for for many more generations.


Wednesday 15 January 2014

Perfect Partners-Coming Together-Teamwork.

I have no meaning in life.

Taking an impromptu stock take of my winter clothing recently I came across a pair of fingerless woolen gloves; half fingerless to be precise-as they reached the first knuckle of each finger. I had no recollection of how they had came into my possession-possibly an old Christmas present? Regardless, I decided to go to my local shop on my mountain bike, and wanted to wear them. I was hoping they would give me a new cool look to be honest-possibly bring myself to the attention of the female hordes?

Alas, I may as well of been invisible-and those gloves were definitely not cool, freezing actually, with my exposed fingers, proverbially, dropping off. What I then found puzzling, they are more expensive than gloves with entire fingers. Ideally, fingerless gloves allow the wearer to handle small objects, but surely the finger tips become so cold that they can’t function correctly?

So, after much head scratching, I deduced that they are only practical when used in conjunction with crotchless knickers/panties; strangely, another item of clothing reduced for convenience. Many people believe they were invented to allow belligerent Mother in Laws a better grip on their broomstick.  Whereas bitterly cold fingertips find it difficult to function with coins keys etc, the warmth following a crotchless underwear insertion is most rewarding. All of which reveals, the depth of accomplishment when two come together as one.

I now know my intended destination.
I imagine smacks will be somewhat cushioned.

Perfect Partners. 

Friday 6 December 2013

Spice of a Third Party.

 The illness of a sexless marriage will find no better remedy than 'Third Party.' 

With first hand knowledge of Jacob's ability, frustrated John wastes no time in seeking him out as a Third Party. Recent testimonies confirm Jacob can persuade even the most frigid of wives to part her legs. John has no qualms about allowing Jacob to unleash his huge cock upon Janice, his wife. Suffering an ailing sex life, he longs for arousal juice to circulate the folds of her pussy once again.

It's a huge gamble that depends entirely on a successful seduction of Janice; something highly unlikely and probably marriage ending. However, the events of life combine to provide the perfect scenario and John's boldness is rewarded. In a rare moment of carefree attitude, Janice waives her historical sexual reluctance. After being roughly pounded throughout the night, she wakes with her pussy stretched and craving more cock.

John's action when contacting a Third Party was drastic, but his alternative meant a permanent surrender to celibacy. Attempting to extract any sort of arousal from Janice had become a hopeless and overly tiresome crusade. Yet the spice of a different cock, albeit huge, strikes her untapped well of lust in an instant. Although not without drama, John can never express sufficient gratitude for Jacob's assistance. Janice is now ever horny to straddle John's cock, or any other he asks her to.        

'Come and get your treat John, Janice calls to her husband who waits in the adjoining bedroom. He enters to the sight of his wife’s open legs and her pussy oozing sperm. It had come from Jacob's huge black cock, which she held and licked . Wearing his wife's panties, John lapped up and down her slit until....

If you would like to know the full story; Third Party is available at Amazon.

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Sunday 24 November 2013

The Cuckold Game.

 2019 Update
Playing the Cuckold game has so many emotions that participants should never be surprised by its rules, which clearly state-They are confusing.

The Cuckold Game.
Arthur’s erection had finally returned and was making regular visits to the wet-spot of his beloved wife Mildred. Raunchy sex had not been part of his life for more than a decade and he was making up for lost time. A loving couple, he and Mildred lost both their virginity and sexual appetite together. Once a relationship that hosted fireworks,  it had lost its sparkle and fizzled out to a phwwt. It became convenient to simply neglect sex. 
Unable to rendezvous, erection and wet-spot lost contact and became strangers. To become redundant while still having so much to offer was frustrating for both intimate areas. Months became years and it seemed neither would ever see active service again. But quite by chance, a certain eyeful let Arthur know that erection remained fit and ready to resume maneuvers.


Saturday 9 November 2013

Mutual Masturbation.

Organized Mutual Masturbation.

You can now orgasm with someone on the opposite side of the world if you push their button.  

Organized Group Mutual Masturbation, is a pleasure that the sexually adventurous have enjoyed for the past few years. The internet, via webcam, allows lovers, sex friends, and even strangers to enjoy an orgasm together. Separated by miles or continents, it's become so easy to rendezvous on webcam. Meeting this way allows friends to catch up on much more than chit chat. Participants freely express, in no uncertain terms, exactly why they require from each other. With privacy assured, it isn’t long before the horny are stripped and racing towards lusty orgasms. Witnessing lust and emerging fluids is a most gratifying outcome.

Pining lovers are only a small fraction of those who enjoy Mutual Masturbation on a regular basis. Agendas vary, but ultimately, most indulge simply for the pleasure it provides. At any given time, countless males can be found masturbating on webcam sites. Totally random, they do so in the hope of a female joining in. Organized Mutual Masturbation, including many females, operates in a way far removed from the dependency of good fortune. Meeting on sex sites, participants are organized and successful engagements are arranged.

Sex site members are only ever known by their user-name, it may reflect a sexual preference. As on all social sites, members become familiar through interaction. Using open or private messages, they  discuss whatever turns them on. These discussions lead to sexually identified groups, breeding grounds for throbbing erections and wet pants. Once a group becomes comfortable, a webcam gathering can be suggested. 

Jake, a sex site member, is renowned for both his discreetness and technical ability with cameras. He is frequently asked to control cameras during group Mutual Masturbation. He says, initial visual introduction creates a little hesitation, but a little sexual innuendo and everyone becomes excited and willing to remove their clothing.

Following group instruction,  Jake is specifically asked to capture facial expression and liquid release. Although as proceedings progress, lust can take over and plans for a well choreographed event are ditched. A female with open legs allows Jake to zoom in and provide a view to heighten any orgasm.

Janine revels in Mutual Masturbation; a regular, exposing her body provides her main source of arousal. “It’s a huge turn on when men or women cum while looking at my body. I'm addicted,” she confessed.

Women too desire open legs exposure, men are often asked to provide an erection view to enhance a female orgasm. Sperm release is also extremely popular with women who are about to cum. Jake can’t recall any participant refusing a specific request of exposure. Additionally, Jake can not recall anyone turning off their screen before conclusion, which they are free to do at any time.

Jake is astonished by the number of orgasms achieved during these sessions. He feels Mutual Masturbation acts in the same way as performance enhancing drugs. Both sexes become capable of orgasm after orgasm. Men always maintain erections-women always lose inhibitions.
“Take it from me, women definitely do squirt, and often in huge gushes,” Jake confided.
There can be no doubt, Mutual Masturbation is an exciting way to enjoy the oldest of pleasures. 

Friday 18 October 2013

Is the Afterlife-Alive and Well?

Most people have an opinions about  ‘The 'Unknown'. Mediums-afterlife-ghostly figures; in fact anything that can't be explained rationally. Perhaps it's the scare factor that makes it so intriguing, whatever it is, the subject seems certain to stay with us for the duration. An earnest discussion, between friends, is guaranteed  after one or more has a paid sitting with a medium, which is quite common these days.

"How could they possibly have known that! It was a sworn secret between my Grandfather and me?

Rightly or wrongly, the merits of the medium will be instantly rubbished out of hand by non-believers who say they hate to see a friend being fooled. Alternatively, such revelations will astonish those in the believers camp, who demand not only every last detail, but  the medium's contact number too.  

It's a compelling subject with strong divided opinion. Whether saying it's all 'cock and bull' or 'true beyond doubt,' some are extremely confident with their view. Though others, myself included, are unsure and dither when asked for a defining opinion, which suggests we are probably siding with the believers? I have heard and read of so many incidents, from people who I believe are genuine, that clearly point to an afterlife of sorts. Of course, there are also many claims that have been proven fraudulent, which only serves to cast doubt over the credibility of all of them.

 The only 'unexplained' that I definitely witnessed, was during an Ouija Board session, which, for myself and a group of friends became part of the evenings entertainment. I had been told of unnerving  events, during similar  sessions, from others who were present. However, I had never seen anything even remotely 'ghostly'  so I was very skeptical of their eerie revelations, and viewed it harmless fun. What did actually happen that night will be probably be regarded as quite trivial by those with knowledge of such things, but it truly amazed me.

We all had our fingers on the glass and it only moved when we encouraged it with a little pressure. Then, for no particular reason, it suddenly took off and began careering around the table at  as if  driven by remote control. It was not spelling anything out, in fact, it was scattering the homemade paper alphabet letters everywhere.  We were a group of six, though only myself and another skeptic remained in contact with the glass. After letting go together, the glass continued alone, a further 3-4 feet before stopping on the very edge of the table.  It left everyone with a sobering feel of unease, and I was no longer doubting the chilling words of my friends. No specific explanation, that was it. I have never dabbled with the Ouija Board since, and have no intention to do so.         

It was with such facts in mind that I wrote the short story-‘Darkest Deception.’-is sex with a ghost a reality?

Find it in Aftermath of Deception.


Get Book on Amazon.

Sunday 29 September 2013

Adult Jokes.

You've Sliced It

Two women were playing golf one when one skewed a shot that hit a man who had been watching them. Grasping his hands at his groin he fell, rolling around in agony.  Horrified, the two women ran to help.
'I'm so sorry are you okay?'
'Ah, ah, ahgghhh,' was all he could reply.
The two women waited for a minute or so, but he seemed unable to speak or climb to his feet. Eventually, one of the women decided to take charge.
'Please, let me help you with this. I'm a professional physio and I can ease your pain, is it okay for me to try?'
Although the man couldn't answer, he nodded his head in approval.
She carefully pulled down his shorts, put her hand inside his underwear and began to gently massage the entire area between his legs.
After a couple of minutes she asked.'How does that feel.'
'Marvelous, he replied, but my thumb still hurts, I think you've broken it."

It's Never Easy.

During weekly visits to the supermarket a man becomes hugely attracted to one of the check out girls. Eventually, he makes her an offer.
"Come to my apartment for sex and I'll give you £1,000."
"Are you serious?"
"Yes, I'll simply throw the money on the floor, it will be all over by the time you've picked it up."
She and her boyfriend are saving to be married, so she calls him.
"Tell him to make it £2,000, pick it up real quickly and he'll barely have time to take his clothes off."
It's arranged for 8 o'clock the following evening; at 8-30, her boyfriend calls.
"How did it go?"      
"How IS it going would be more precise! The sly bastard used coins; I'm still picking and he's still fucking."

What else could we do?

A cruise ship sinks and three survivors, Randy, Buck and Lola make their way to a desert island. With plenty to eat and drink, they make their own naked entertainment.  However, years of lustful sex takes its toll, depressed and racked with guilt Lola takes her life.
As awful as her suicide was, Randy and Buck struggle on. However, after a year or so, Randy and Buck begin to feel guilty about what they are doing. So, they do the decent thing and bury Lola.

Said the Bishop to the actress

A priest of a small community was somewhat disappointed during a weekly call  to his Bishop.
'I can't believe that one of my parishioners would steal my bicycle, especially as it was my only form of transport.'
'Don't worry it can't be far, and there is a way to find it, said the Bishop.
'There is?'
'Yes, make a point including the Ten Commandments into your next service. When you reach number 8, Thou shalt not steal, take a long look at the congregation, the guilty face will lead you to your bicycle.
The following week the Bishop was keen to know if his plan had worked.
'Yes, it did in a roundabout way,' the priest told him.
'I don't understand, what do you mean roundabout way?'  
Well, when I reached number 7, Thou shalt not commit adultery, I remembered where I'd left my bicycle.' 

New Joke Jan 26th. Naughty Cartoons.

This week I thought I would show my appreciation for naughty cartoons.

New Joke Jan 6th. Bus Exposure

I was on the bus today and woman started breastfeeding. About three or four minutes later an elderly lady stood up and started screaming at the top of her voice.

"Stop that! That's disgraceful!

Looking back-I suppose  I should have waited until I got home, before I started masturbating.


New Joke December 22nd-Big Mouth

The office loudmouth, trying to make fun of one of his colleagues says.

'You have quite a big stomach there-can you see your cock when you're naked and look down?

'No-I can't to be honest-your wife's head is usually in the way.'

New Joke December 12th. Everyone Likes A Quickie

This week I thought I would pay tribute to the Quickie.

1- "Mummy, why are you white and I'm black?" A little boy asked his mother: 

 "Don’t even ask me that, when I remember that party mmhm..., you are lucky that you don’t bark."

Wife and husband bought condoms with different flavors.

"Darling, I will put one on and turn off the light, then you have to guess the flavor."

he takes it in the mouth and yells: "Gorgonzola." 

"Wait!!, it is not on yet.

3-A man in a pub boasted he could tell the exact date a woman was born; simply by feeling her breasts.

"I don't believe that-prove it," said a skeptical lady and she raised her jumper.

After giving her breasts a thorough groping he said-"Yesterday-Without any doubt whatsoever."


New Joke December 4th. Magic, Before Your Eyes.

 An Amish father and son visited a large city for the very first time. They were fascinated by its technology, especially the wall that opened and closed.
"What is that Father?"
Having not previously seen an elevator, he replied. "I have never seen anything like this?"
They were mesmerized when an old lady in a wheel chair arrived and pressed a button. Apparently opening by magic, they watched as the old lady entered a small room and the wall closed behind her. Almost at once lights began flashing-after a minute or so the flashing stopped and the door opened. The two were flabbergasted when a highly desirable young woman stepped out.
"Son-Quick! Go get your mother and grandma."


 New Joke November 25th.   Christmas Party Etiquette 


It was the morning after the office Christmas party and Frank was thinking his confused head was about to explode. He had a history of foolish behavior and something was telling him that the evening had been a disaster. He went downstairs praying he was wrong, but his wife confirmed his thoughts. Although she never said a word, the way she was staring and shaking her head spelt disaster.
"Honey-it wasn’t that bad was it?”
"It was, you did it again. People were leaving early because of you; you insulted almost every member of the board, and swore directly into the president’s face.”
"He must have deserved it, piss on him," said Frank, desperately trying to justify his actions.
"You did, that’s when he fired you."
"What! Oh fuck him!” He exclaimed, feeling all was lost.
"I did. You start back on Monday.”
“Honey!-Did I ever tell you I love you!”

 New Joke November 14th.

Feed by Hand.

Man walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: - $3.50.
Chicken Sandwich: - $5.50.
Hand Job: - $12.00.

After checking his wallet he approaches the bar and beckons one of three exceptionally, attractive blondes, who are serving drinks to a drooling bunch of men.

"Yes?" She inquires with a sexy smile. "Can I help you?"

"I was wondering", he whispers."Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am."

He quickly replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!" 


 New Joke 6th November 

Outrage in Court.

A man was appearing in court on a double murder charge, and the judge said, "You are accused of raping then beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice from the back of the courtroom yelled out. "You bastard!"

The judge glared and continued, "You are further accused of raping then beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

Again, a voice from the back of the courtroom yelled out. "You despicable bastard!"

The judge stopped proceedings and addressed a man at the back of the courtroom. "Sir, I can quite understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but if you make any further outbursts I shall charge you with contempt of court! I hope there will be no more problems."

The man at the back of the court stood up and responded, "I'm really sorry, but I have lived next door to that bastard for fifteen years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer ... he said he never had one!"

 Added 27th October-Sex and the Church.

Three couples- elderly-middle-aged and young newly-weds wanted to join a church group.
The priest said " We have special requirements for all new members; to prove your determination, you must refrain from having sex for four weeks." 
The couples agreed & came back at the end of the fourth week.
The priest asked the elderly couple- "Were you able to abstain from sex for four weeks?"

 The old man replied, "Yes, and without problem."
"Congratulations, welcome to the group." said the priest.
The middle-aged couple were asked the same question- The man replied.- "The first week was easy, the second not too bad, halfway through the third week I began sleeping in the spare room, but yes, we made it." 

"You have shown excellent resolve; we are more than pleased to accept you," said the smiling priest.
  "Now my dears, I do hope you will be the third new couple to join our group this evening," the priest said. "Father, we are so sorry to say that we failed," the disappointed young man replied.

 "Would you care to say why you succumbed?" the priest inquired.
" It was during the very first day; a little honey was needed for the final ingredient of a dinner I was preparing. When my wife reached to the top shelf it exposed the tops of her legs, and she was wearing stockings and suspenders. I was overcome with lust and forced her to the floor."

 "Although I'm sorry to hear of your weakness, do you understand you will not allowed into our group?" the priest asked shaking his head. 
 "We do indeed," said the young man. "We're no longer allowed in the supermarket either."

 Added 19th Oct. We are back in the pharmacist for this weeks joke, which is only a short one.

A 97 year old man goes into a chemist shop and asks for 12 Viagra tablets; he then asks for each one be cut into  into 4 pieces.

The pharmacist is somewhat surprised, but happily obliges. "Of course sir, though I must tell you that a quarter of a tablet will hardly be enough to give you an erection."

The old man looked at him and smiled. "Young man I am 97, I have no requirements for an erection; I just want it to reach a little further so I don't keep pissing on my slippers."

Added Oct 11th.

Henry's health had been deteriorating for months, and he knew that he was dying.  Looking up at his wife who was sitting by his bedside, he just managed to say in a very weak voice.
 'Ivy, you have been such a loyal and trusting wife; I think its only fair that I confess to the wrongs I have done you.
'There's no need to do that Henry, really,' she replied.
  'No, I insist, it will allow me to die with a clear conscience, and you deserve to know the truth.'
  'As you wish, but it's really not necessary.'.
 'Honey, I slept with both your sister and your best friend many times.Then there was our old neighbor Jesse and the schoolteacher as well as...' 
 'Please don't say anymore,' she interrupted looking wide eyed in disbelief, before adding. 'Discovering that is such a shock at a time like this; I had no idea about the schoolteacher, only the others, but never mind, you rest now, it will help the poison work a little quicker.

 A little humor to reveal that, rational thought quickly goes out of the window when the subject matter becomess personal.

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into her local pharmacy. She walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes grew bigger as he explained. "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. Not only is it against the law-I would lose my license before they threw us both in jail. So no, absolutely not, you CAN-NOT have any cyanide."

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband on a bed with the pharmacist's wife, his cock was deep inside her throat.

The pharmacist looked at the picture, nodded, and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

                                Big Ben.                                  There is always that exceptionally well hung individual in the sho...